Ridder

What?

2006-07-24T22:01:00.000+01:00

Hello.
I've been in the north.
We tried to eat twenty-five fish fingers each.
I ate 22, Himyarl had 23 and Burch had 26!
It's good to be back and hip to be square.
See you then
Bye now x

Tight Manners

2006-05-19T21:00:00.000+01:00

Coming soon.
Hot chicks with beats.
Tight manners are preparing to hit the freakin scenesies
with their mega new single "Dirty hand job" a truly adequate
version of The Mekano Set's original.
Clap your hands and feel proud to be frumpy and adequate
especially if you have stains on your clothes.
What? Can someone explain that?
Rather!

Midnight Savage

2006-04-18T23:13:00.000+01:00

Saturday, went tropical.
Boggers came to the crib. We watched Ghostwatch and then Boggers
crudded himself about going homesies. Nowt to do with 0800 505050
outfit and slight Hetfield mouth - everything to do with Pipes.
We lifted the anchor and set him sail safely home...

What else do you want?
What?

Thanks a lot

2006-03-12T10:50:00.000Z

http://www.myspace.com/62029747
Apparently if you want to find me on that my space thing. I am the above freakin
number. Feel really good about myself now. I feel like a bar code.

Spacial awareness

2006-03-12T10:12:00.000Z

Hi.
I nicked this from a girl called Elena. www.forstergirls.com.
It's a Hastronaut.
I've just signed up to myspace - a whore of a market place, an shameless
interactive selling machine, my way of keeping up with my contempories.
I'm a bit nervous about this venture, I'm aware that anything I say I like in
Myspace will be uncool so has to be padded with a certain amount of sarcasm
to protect my English approach of shame.
My main issue is space though. I'm really scared of space, and now I have my own.
I fear rockets. I do not want to stay in a hotel with no gravity. I do not
want to eat packet food or go really really fast up in to the air. I do not want
to be in the air, I really don't. I don't want to wear a space suit - unless later
in life I find I'm allergic to oxygen and that's the only way I can leave my house.
I do however want to hang out with Russians and monkeys.

Bye x

Chuck D

2006-03-02T21:53:00.000Z

What the Dickens! Hmmmnsies.
Yep! I've been rocking a lot of this chap recently. To say he is my best is true,
to say he rocks is also fact.
I went round to his house on Sunday, used his loo, touched his desk that sort of thing.
Had a swell time, looking at pictures of him and reading some of his work.
A thoroughly interesting chap.
I have a slight leaning towards his mates David Copperfield, Scrooge,
Mr Micawber etc. .
To quote the old gent " It was the best of times, the worst of times",
I had a wonderful time at his place and then got a migraine and went blind.
Amazing.
Burch has some interesting points to make about him, including
"You can say what you like about Chuck, yes.. You can say what you like about him."
Poignant,no?
Just thought I'd spread some of his joy.
After Chuck, I would kiss Thomas Hardy and Mark Twain. However as a one off
smoocherama I would definitely frenchie Gabriel Garcia Marquez for
the wonder of"100 years of solitude".
If you disagree I am available on Saturday afternoon for a fight in
those massive sumo suits that people have at fetes. Let me know.

Thanks for listening. It means so much.

x

Holy radioactive unembarrassed gingers

2006-02-15T19:34:00.000Z

Well hi there,

Please join me in saying a huge exyskill and brill 99th birthday (even though you've
been dead for about ten years) to the devilishly handsome Cesar Romero. Doesn't
he look like the lovely Karen Elson??? That's right he doesn't!
He does however look just a little radioactive. He is another of those
ruddy headed things.

Zoe - I'm sure you're all aware who she is - once told me and I quote
"I saw a woman today with three ginger children, and she wasn't even embarrassed!"
I found this a right good joke, however I am aware that it does alienate
certain friends of mine so make apologies for any insult. I just rather liked it.

Well that sure is a high to end on.

Crikey Moses

2006-01-30T22:58:00.000Z

Hi I'm back.
I do hope everyone is well.
It's been a long time I shouldn't have left you, without a dope beat to step to.
You know? Or other such street colloquialisms.
What's that? What have I been doing? Well, lots and nowt all at the same time.
I've just found this mega website called The Brick Testament - it's loads of
Bible stories told through lego. It shows you how to live your life! The bits
about periods and homosexuality are amazing! Click on the picture to be
transported to the toybox!
What else?
Maybe I'll come back later and tell you what else, it's important that
you all learn how to stone your family to death first. First work and then
pleasure.
Adios

X

Ula

2006-01-05T21:02:00.000Z

Hiya loves,

I hope everyone had a swell festive period. I trust lots of food was eaten etc...
Apologies to any closet anorexic friends.
I've been having a gas of a time. The boy and I have extended the
lodge and the family and invited a little Syrian to be our daughter.
She is Ula and she was born on November 1st 2005.
She is asleep at the moment so I've put the above picture of the
incomparable Ula, a contortionist from Florida up instead.
Isn't she fabulous.
What else then? Well I've been learning a little bit of the
old guitar - just developing some new skills. I'm still a bit crud
at it at the moment but I'm learning and I'm getting better every day.
So watch this space for Ridder and the Radars to hit the scene later
in the year. This means Doo wop, hand clapping and really good shoes.
Probably a really big pepper mill as a microphone aswell.
Talking of bands I'll be watching the kids play somewhere called
the Tate gallery tomorrow night. Apparently it's in London and it sounds
like a bit of a Rolf Harris/ Tony Hart childrens gallery. Brilliant.
Right that's enough to get me back into the swing of things. I'll be off
then but I'll be back soon. Will you see me to the door?
It's Goodbye from me and goodbye from them ...

Share the joy

2005-12-12T22:44:00.000Z

Hello people,

I just took a big step in my bread sauce life.
I've just emailed Colmans to tell them how much I
love it! Anybody who feels the same please email
them and share the joy - tell them how it makes
you feel and ask them to send you some for free.
It is brilliant.
Change your life - do something good today.

http://www.unilever.co.uk/ourbrands/foods/colmans.asp

Bready or not - here I come! Shut up!

2005-12-12T22:27:00.000Z

Freakin' hell. Brilliant.

London calling

2005-11-25T17:08:00.000Z

Hi Kids.
I've had a pleasant week off work. Three trips to see Uncle Bobby in
London.He was pretty good. He's a nice chap you know. He sang some
songs for us and we shouted a little at him and clapped a lot. There were
a few crazy fans there who looked a little bit like him and had been
everywhere he'd been at the same time for the last 26 years.
If you want to be the best and you want to beat the rest,
dedication is what you need.I'll say. Yee-haw. P.S Bob is the one with
the stupid head in the middle.
The boy and I stayed with my cronies Wife and Jazzo at Yonge park
on Monday, it was ace of them to put us up aboout 18 hours after they
had moved in. Thanks ladies.

then we rocked Churchill's Britain at war exhibition. This was groovy,
to say that I like history is fairly accurate but to say I almost wee in my
pants when I learn about evacuees and Land girls is probably better.
There were outfits to try on, air raid shelters to sit in and loads of sprogs
who were scared out of their grey polyester by Germans.

This is Burch in his fighter pilot helmet. He wears this as
he suffers from narcolepsy and can fall asleep at any given time.
Yes that's right, it's to protect his little noggin should he fall
asleep whilst he's in the post office or any of his regular haunts.
Right I'm off now, Burchill looks tired by the cutlery draw - it
could get dangerous!

Actually that's a lie. I just don't want to write anymore because
I'm hungry. Shut up losers.

Magnificent TV presenters in their flying machines

2005-11-13T22:15:00.000Z

I'm not sure I can tell you all this tale of woe. I might
have to come back in a minute as I think it might be one
of the funniest things ever.
It is a love story from heaven. These two kids - TV's Mike
Smith and Sarah Greene decided to visit some friends in
Cheltenham on the year of our Lord September 10th 1988.
How did they attempt to get there? Walk? Run? BMX?
Nissan Sunny? No way, these are TV's Mike and Sarah.
They decided to travel in style. By helicopter.
They got their visiting outfits on( massive glasses and Noel
Edmunds Breakfast show jumper as well as evil Aryan blonde hair)
and utilised Mike's skills of flying. They got to a field and climbed inside
their flying machine, probably gave each others hands and bums a
squeeze and then left the ground for the sky.
They weren't up there long. The helicopter flew out of control
according to eyewitness Maggie Mcmillan and then it came down
real fast into a tree. They both broke bones and were taken to the
local hospital. Sarah was back on Going Live quite soon afterwards
and they got engaged and married real soon afterwards.
Isn't life full of wonderful suprises? Isn't there a leprechaun at
the end of every rainbow and haven't hairstyles improved in the
last 17 years? Joy to the World. So now you know that even if you have
got blonde hair someone from TV may also have blonde hair too.

Good head?

2005-11-08T21:17:00.000Z

Hmmnsies. Just a quick blog today for thee. Just thought I'd tell you
about Jazzo. Kiwi, black hair,early twenties,five feet 4ish? Friend of mine.
Just started her own blog at http://jizzazhmmmsies.blogspot.com
she's still learning the trade but check her out and read her rants.
I took this little picture on Saturday and I rather like it. Thinking
about getting my head down and doing some portraits so if
any of you things would like to pose for me then email me and
if your physical form especially your head is pretty or funny I would
love to have you.
If you look like poop then don't bother.
That's about it really. Get out.

Teenage perversion

2005-11-06T15:01:00.000Z

Stripes? No thanks refund please. Not really! They were
top dollar, mega exciting winners. Second row? Might aswell be.
Really loud? Go on then. Opulent and theatrical. If you like.
Normally I wish I'd seen bands in small venues when they were
less popular. Not these kids. They have a wonderful grandeur
to them which only success and money has allowed. The stage
is like an insular universe for the kids and the props and
intricate details only serve to enrich the experience. I think.
There were quite a few of those teenage things in the audience
which was pretty funny, in fact there was an air of sweaty
perversion everywhere in the room. As soon as they started
a girl bounced her boobs into my back for about three minutes,
a little bit scary ( Lewis, I know, I know - but this is my blog).
Then teenage boys talked about Meg's nipples for a while and
even I found it hard to ignore Jack's trousers - it was like
Rock Linford Christie. The man is not shy. If you can - go to
them.
Friday night was a party. Organised by some of my dudes and
mesies. I popped my DJ cherry and controlled the diggigy decks
for the first hour. Then I was followed by the discotastic Dr Paul
Morrish who preceeded the delightful Dr John Quin and then Jim
held court until the end.

There was Patti Smith, Guns n Roses,
lots of Martha Reeves, a smidge of The Velvet Underground and
even some Lionel horseface Richie. We had a dance and a lot of Gin,
and had a totally tropical time. A resounding success I should say
so ta muchos to all Kids who made badges (Swaph Ping/ Jazzo) or
burnt CD's ( Burchill) or did anything to help. Lots of joyful
thanks to Jim for being the dude. Probably the most acesies DJ
I've had the pleasure to dance to, for shall we say yonks? Lastly
thanks a heck of a bunch to John and Paul for being really excited
and getting the kids to dance. Well done all. Now there was my speech
where is my flipping Oscar?

Cobblers

2005-10-25T22:07:00.000+01:00

Watcha!
Apparently today is The Commemoration of St Crispin.
Doesn't sound like much does it until you find out that
the man was a badass shoemaker. What a flipping brilliant
trade to have.
The story goes that back in the day in France there were
two brothers Crispin and Crispianus (good or bad names -
wait, think about it. Yes good names, good names) who
were from a wealthy family. They were both Christians and
were being persecuted along with all their other chaps by
the spiteful and semi-naked Roman kids for liking Jesus and his crew.
So they both packed their little red and white gingham hankies with
gruel and other medieval culinary delights, tied them
round twigs, slung them over their shoulders and
legged it. They spread the word during the day and then made
shoes for the poor (lazy) during the evening.
This is where it gets crazybeans - the Romans caught up with
them and tried to make them repent and denounce Christianity.
When Crispin and Chrispianus said "See you later, we actually
rock Jesus loads and won't say we don't" the Romans decided to
get a bit spiteful. This is what they did -
1)Hung millstones around their necks and chucked them in the
Aisne river. Crispin and his brother responded by not drowning.
" uuuurgh, rubbish! Is that the best you Roman spazzos can do?"
they may have said. Well anyway because they had saintly qualities
they did not drown.
If at first you don't succeed...
2)Next they popped them into a cauldron of boiling lead. Crispin and
Crispianus weren't really that fussed - no big deal, they were still OK.
3)Better put them in a cauldron of boiling pitch, fat and oil then. The brothers
found it a little warm but just had a lovely flush to their skin when they
emerged unscathed.
None of these quite stupid methods worked. So they beheaded
them instead. Little bit nasty at the end there, not really cricket.
Anyway legend says the chaps danced with angels on their way to the
clouds.
So happy saints day. Shoes and stories are both brilliant. Apparently
traditionally shoemakers used to take the day off every October 25th.
I think they deserve it, they do a rocking service to the community.

Later x

Texas Chainsaw Panto boy massacre on Ocean Drive with hairy armpits

2005-10-18T22:08:00.000+01:00

Tuesday night, Sudoku,Tea, Bob on the stereo everything is fine until
this flipping one above, this stupid bollock chops, Bonnie Langford in Peter
Pan at the Theatre Royal Basingstoke style, spacca, loser of evilness who
will ask you for money to get back to Glasgow at the train station everyday
poo willy nut shithead most rubbish voice band that makes my skin crawl and
a little bit of sick appear in my mouth everytime I think about him/her
came up in conversation.
Now I am furious.
This has begun my annual red faced so upset and angry that tears will fall soon
rant about my worst most womens jeans things ever. You ready
1) Sharleen Shithairy from Texas. She really needs to go away or at least stand
by her abilities in the middle of the road and get run over so we never
ever have to listen to her whining voice or see her little boys head with
pubescent boys scrotum cheeks again. Take her away - I am finished with
her now.

2) The Lighthouse Family - responsible for 'Ocean Drive'. I was going to

write about why I dislike these people but have decided that it
will be better for my mental health to stay quiet, kind of like cheese
before bedtime. However let me just say again - responsible for
'Ocean Drive'.

3) Heather 'Hairy armpits' Small. Whoops I've just sicked on my lip.
Why does she sing? Why does she do it? It is the most selfish
behaviour exercised by any one individual since Rod Hull slipped
off his roof. How can you be in a band with someone called 'Shovel'?
How can you sing like you are trying to eat your own chest? Why
were you not aborted? Are you sure you're proud?

I am going now. I think I have a fever.

No black bogeys for us

2005-10-13T16:58:00.000+01:00

Hiya love.
Did you miss me? I've been away for a few days in Ireland with Steve's
folks.Boy did we have a smashing time. Fresh air, no pollution,
green fields and the call of the wild!
We went shopping in chazza shops,walked up a mountain, walked some
dogs, went to Cork, went to an amazing donkey sanctuary, ate some tuck,
drank lots of tea, played Scrabble, Trivial Pursuit, Sudoku, 20 Questions
and the Rizla game.
We sat by the fire, we got rained on, we took lots of photos, we fussed
lots of chaps (Dogs,Donkeys,Goats and Horses). Steve's mum choaked a
mugful of tea all over the floor in a fit of laughter, Steve poured far too
much salt on his chips and I drenched my tea in vinegar. Boy did we
have a smashing time. Thanks kids for having us.
I took some portraits of the dashing Burch in his country get-up
complete with pipe, he looks ace don't you think?

Making use of Britains rail network

2005-09-27T19:07:00.000+01:00

Hi there.
It's been a good week or so since the last post
and I've been amusing myself with the odd bit
of visiting friends and cavorting around town.
Thursday saw the wife and I in a dodgy Indian
restaurant in The Heath having a spot of
Chicken Tikka and various breads and chutneys.

Check the minty leather - it's probably to
keep your mind cool while your tastebuds rock a
spice explosion.
Friday was a trip to Zod's for tea and cake and
a bit of looking at boys on t'internet. Always
a good way to while away the hours, found a
hot one in Berlin to try and hook the lovely
young lady up with. No point really as he's
miles away and speaks Germ but it's all
very good for relations.
Saturday was a spot of chicken pie at Lod and
Bods with a splattering of wine here and there
and the most distressing conversation about
the universe - always feel a bit sick about the
idea that there is no end to the universe. Makes
me go giddy and want to lie on the floor or
get into a box. I'm a girl who likes a bit of
routine and security and I feel a bit lost
in the universe; I prefer to holiday in France,
Spain and this fair old isle of ours than go to
space. No good shops there yet. I know we're in
space already just for anyone who wants to pick
apart my logic. Shut upsies.
Sunday was Holly Golightly at The Komedia.
Ace potatoes, had a really good dance around without
actually moving and felt thoroughly entertained by
the lady. She's really rather good you know.

Then last night was up to The Barbican for a
tribute to every English teacher/mathematician's
favourite man Bobby dylsies. The Barbican was
mega. I really fell for the what they thought space
would look like back in the sixties feel to the
building. Crazy beans, wierd faux wooden walls and
oddly shaped doors and luntaic devices to aid with
handwashing in the toilets. Lairs! However did not
fall so much for BBC pretend clapping when
nowt has happened and precious sensitivity about
the man. Don't claim to know much about Bob except
that apparently October 6th 2000 is the new October
5th 2000 and that he was pretty hot back in the day and
belted out some corkers. Seen him a few times and found
him a little mental but very joyful and extremely
endearing. Steve wasn't fussed - he didn't want to go
anyway, he's never heard of him so he didn't know
what to expect ; obviously he likes techno and hard
house compilations like "bonkers 3" so it's not
really his thing that whole folk/alt country/ literary/
sensitive/most important man in the world ever thing!

Miserable thing that he is, jeepers.
Anyway we left early, I would have loved to
have stayed to see KT Tunstall but I just
had to get home and get to the gym and then
do some yoga and team sports.

Thanks very much,

Ridder.

Reform for the use of the English Language with regard to colloquialisms

2005-09-20T19:21:00.000+01:00

Dearest readers,

Yesterday I did a potentially volatile thing.
I spoke with The Brother, Ham. He is well - before you ask.
However as is now the case we discussed many issues affecting
our mutual heritage, future,beliefs and wishes. Amongst those
a small discussion on bacon bone soup and brawn or eating
boiled eggs with cheese melted on top of the shell.
Then we came around to the new terminology of our peer group.
Many of you may be aware of the constant use of sies or mega,
or even the wonderful Budget, value, supasave with secret handshake
for added exclusion of outsiders. Recently "thin" was added as a complete
cuss for something that is "wack" or "a refund".
Yesterday, my world of words was absolutely blown away by the
inclusion of "womens jeans". Can you think of a more upsetting
insult. I shiver. "Womens jeans" - elasticated waist, huge hips,
tapering legs in a soft stonewash/faux denim style. The worst
thing ever. The only thing worse is to be "Mr H" in a pair of womens
jeans. "Mr H" is the father of a lad I went to school with back in the
80's. "Mr H" made my mother feel very sick, he was about "a" thin
so probably about 6 1/2 stone and about 7 foot tall and he had a
thin, sallowed, pointy head with a sweaty sex offender pair of
spectacles and really thin red like lipstick lips. if you looked at
him from the side it was like looking at a piece of A4 paper from
the same angle but with lipstick on. Can you see it? Now put on
a pair of those jeans and add a thin pvc black jacket with pockets
that do up with poppers and smell of faggy leather and has
an elasticated bottom to it. Is that the worst ever? Yes.
I'm really quite upset now.
So now when you get a bit of bad news you can say
'oh!Womens jeans - let's get a refund!" or if you see
something that you don't like you could say
"Ugh womens jeans!" or if someone calls you a "git"
you could say " shut your trap you pair of womens jeans!"
the possibilities are endless.
What a wonderful thing language is and how beautiful this
land that gave us it.
Mega smashing exy skill and brill!

Exceedingly good poems.

2005-09-18T12:14:00.000+01:00

Hi there Mr Kipling.
I've still been feeling a bit cruddo so I've been
reading a little about smuggling. There's no
connection, but that's what I've been doing.
My best poemsies ever is by the old lad above

"The Smugglers' Song".

If you wake at midnight and hear a horse's feet,
Don't go drawing back the blind, or looking in the street;
Them that ask no questions isn't told a lie,
Watch the wall, my darling,while the gentlemen go by.

etc etc ...

I won't write it all out because I don't claim to be a preacher
or a teacher and also it would be far too much effort but I'm
sure you can find it on t'internet if you'd like.
Smuggling, back in the day sounds mega. Old sailors bringing
in Brandy and tobacco and silk and tea so that the ordinary folk
could have these luxuries without all the crazy taxes. Look out
spots and crazy codes and hiding places in caves on the beaches
all over this fair isle. Amazing.
Sometimes I might do some smugglsies of my own - but it's
usually just peanuts!

Sars.

2005-09-16T20:26:00.000+01:00

I have got this . Not a flow chart - a cold. I am having trouble
breathing through my nose - maybe I need this:

Not the hair, the nasal strip, possibly the wonky smile. I think
I need to eat lots of this :

Not the crazy dude - the garlic. It's muchos for
the old cold you know.
Just got back from the kids house, t'was Lod's
0.23% of life on Wednesday. Happy Birthday Lodovitch!
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmnnnnnn, bumps!
Don't really know what to write so I'm probably,
actually definitely going away now.
Goodnight.

Laurence and Hardy...

2005-09-07T20:24:00.000+01:00

Who's this chap then? What a lovely bicycle he has.
He is Thomas Hardy. I just finished reading Tess of the
D'urbervilles t'other day. How great it was. He is an
English Bad Ass of the largest dimensions.
Had a chat with Laurence the other night about starting
a book club, which sounds mega. This is Laurence :

Laurence plays in The Diamond Family Archive. From what
I know about Laurence - which may be little I do know that
1)He really likes birds. This encompasses both ladies and Crows,
Sparrows, Jays,Seagulls,Robin Redbreasts ( a particular favourite
of mine due to it's little waistcoat and Bob Dylan thin legs) and all
little chaps who sing well and holiday abroad in winter - or stay
here too.
2)He probably likes Dorset more than the average public do, in fact
he likes the whole Wessex,South west area of this fair Isle we
inhabit. He likes it so much he wrote it on his guitar, and he sings
about it too.I imagine he probably likes to whisper "Morning has
broken" to himself when he wakes from slumber and he probably
catches Hummingbirds on each of his fingers and walks them to
breakfast at The Mad Hatter.
3)He reguarly visits car boot sales, I don't know what he buys there
but I think he likes to potter and rustle amongst wood and leather
and corduroy and tweed and musk and touch things that make small
noises and can be wheeled around on a small trolley.
Does he sound brilliant yet? I'll go on...
4)He has a very very very very very very large beard which somewhere
inside there is a mouth which ejects rather good English.
5)He thinks that "100 years of solitude" is the best book ever. That's because
it is.
6)He will probably one day have a shed in which to potter and make things,
I suspect he would make something like a cart or a plough.
He will be playing with the delicious Blanket at The Hanbury Ballroom
tomorrow night, so if you would like to discuss any of these accusations
with him tomorrow I'm sure he will be more than happy to.
Thanks very much,
Ridder.

Little Donkey

2005-09-01T16:06:00.000+01:00

Booked some flights to see Steve's kids over in Ireland.
Will be hanging with the chaps in the photo - 2 Donkeys and
2 Goats and a few dogs here and there, sounds crud doesn't it?
Donkeys are my best - whenever I see one I have to ask it
whether it carried Mary. I know it won't have because that
was years ago but who cares.
I'm quite excited about getting my country get up on for
a while - lots of tweed and a pair of wellies.
Not much to say today, well maybe loads but don't feel
like saying it! See you later Kids...

Jerusalem, Hove.

2005-08-28T17:32:00.000+01:00

Yowser. I've not done this for about a week.
I've been up to various things but due to my lack of
digital camera or polaroid film I have little to illustrate
my week. This is a shame.However to combat this I have
dipped in to the Burch/Ridder photo library for vague
images that I can make fit the stories. The one above is me
looking pensive, I guess this could represent me deciding
what to write...
If you are sitting comfortably, I will begin.
Tuesday night saw me being wined and dined by the delicious
Patrick and Cathy. I ate yummy roast chuck and tatties and had
some wine and then accompanied the mischevious Mekanos
to the Engine Rooms to scout for a gig.We saw a band called
The Machines. I liked their swagger, they were cock sure,
Barleyesque, performers of utter mid twenties modernity.
I do not know what this means but they were good in a
catch me on another day and I'd hate your faux ironic attitude,
but today I like you way.
Wednesday saw the old Ridder belly being filled again, this time
by Jim. Jim likes pies. By this I don't mean he's fat, He's not.
He just likes pies a lot. So do I. Maybe this is why he's my friend.
Pies are just brilliant.
Pies make me love this country of ours. In fact most things that
warm your bellly make me love this bloody country. As soon as
the weather gets a little colder I get excited about Dickens and
Hardy and The Brontes and the British landscape.I pop the
Sherry open and imagine the wind and rain beating the
Yorkshire moors or the farmers of Dorset gathering their
flock.I'm a sucker for this romantic historical stuff.
In fact sometimes when I really look at the landscape
of this country I feel like throwing myself on to it, grabbing it
eating it,rolling in it, crying on to it and devouring it totally.
People spilt their blood an all parts of this land to protect it
and retain it. I am thankful for that. I will now resist the
temptation to mock any undesirables in this country who I
feel ruin such a wonderful place.

Amazing.

Thursday was ace. I spent the morning in the darkroom
rocking out with my Patti photos and was quite pleased
with the results, then I met Zobag for a drink in a ponsy
cafe called Red roaster or some such thing. This place made
me angry. I asked for an apple juice and was asked if I wanted
organic? Cox, Granny smith, Adams? What the fuck is up with
everyone. Why should normal apple juice with all it's evil
sugars and additives and A.D.D and AIDS and whatever else it's
got in it be the last thing that gets offered when you ask for apple
juice in the first place. Why do you get offered everything else first?
Well?
Anyway from there we got really wet and decided to go for lunch,
and get a little bit drunk in the day. This was also ace. There was a
small dog in the pub and if you know the rules of life, you will know
that this is a brilliant thing. A little dog gets 100 points.
So we had a drink and a chat and stuff and then decided to buy shoes.
Amazing. I bought purple suede bad boys with gold flashes on them,
the boy in the shop told me they would be great in the rain, really
good for the winter. I took them back today. He lied.
Friday I had a drink and a pizza with Jasmine and Bod and then Steve
came home at 7.30 in the morning. He must have had a good time.
I'm off over to Bods tonight for more food and probably more wine.
Belly's are full, hearts are joyful and I am young. I shall now listen
to Jerusalem. Anyone want to join me???

Complete set...

2005-08-21T09:30:00.000+01:00

Did some photos for the lovely Mekano kids last
Sunday. A bit of slide film, a smidgen of black and white
and a whole load of fumbling about with new
techniques.Pretty good fun.
Also rocked some pictures of Stars of Aviation at the
Freebutt and some really really shit, not very good at all,
I'm a shit photographer, rubbish, worst pictures ever of
my least favourite person in the world Patti Smith.
Check this badden out...

Try this one for size too

Rubbish!

Skills....

2005-08-19T19:10:00.000+01:00

I have been trying to improve my skills recently - Napoleon
Dynamite sure would be proud of me. One of my skills
to improve on is drawing birds.As you can see by the little
sketch upside of the blog I am struggling. But that's what
makes me endearing, it's true I'm Shakespeare's tragic hero,
Dickens fat lawyer,Dean Martin. I try, I do it wrong and then
I blame everyone else and start on a trip of self destruction.
Today I am blaming Rolf Harris. The sketch to the right of the
'Tit' is supposed to be a squirrel, however as it's been suggested
today- little girls that eat lots of chips could be more likely to
develop breast cancer, so too little girls that watch Australian
men 'umchaca umchaca' with excitement at their own
cartoon illustrations are about 37% more likely to draw
everything with a Kangaroo's body - even if it is a
Squirrel.

Crikey Moses.

2005-08-17T21:58:00.000+01:00

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhsies!
Sweet Mary mother of Jesus. What's all this craziness?Hey, what's
going on here?Is that Ridder with Lenny Kaye and Tom Verlaine?
Surely not.No, it can't be.Jeepers,blimey,gosh,yowser.What?
Ridder would never have met them outside The Dome whilst waiting to
see Patti would she?Ridder would never have said "Excuse me boys,
may I have my photo taken with you both?" would she? Tom
Verlaine would never have said "why?" and made Ridder feel like
a spastic would he? Ridder would have never in 100 have replied
in a weak and wee down leg vomit and faint loser voice "Because
you're in Television and you're playing with Patti". Lenny Kaye
definitely couldn't have said "Sure, that's O.K." and then this photo
100 never got taken. No way. No-one would eversies do that.
Ridder would never look like a big white dog poo (like you used to see
back in the day- similar to chalk) with specs and mental neurotic hands.
No, the only answer is that this is not a photograph but in fact a very
good practical joke played by an artist of some skill who has obviously
painted this illusion with poster paint in an attempt to mock the afflicted
Ridder. That's what happened.
Was Patti amazing? Do you get black bogeys if you travel on the tube?
Do lesbians carry stuff in their back pockets?What happens if you boil
cheese?
Patti = 100 x z100 massive x mega + $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$.
As Westwood would say "Exactly! dechang dechang (gun noises) explodsies!"

Carnie Schwarzenegger!

2005-08-10T19:13:00.000+01:00

I've just got back from work. Riding the old girl home I realised I was turning into a carnie.
I got so hot and grubby that I looked like I'd just worked a shift pushing the punters
on The Waltzer. My teeth have all fallen out and the beads of sweat that have
collected on my fingers have morphed in to sovereign rings. My face has gathered rud
and all my clothes smell like faggy leather and low standards. On top of this the
really really really fast cycling I have been doing has started to threaten me with muscles.
I am not embaressed to say that I fear for my sanity.It is only a matter of days before I
will be walking around in a pair of red briefs, flexing my muscles and showing off
my gold teeth and yellowy gold fag fingers. The curse of the carnie will get me...

On another note, I'm off to see the kids (Blanket) play at The Greenhouse Effect.
I think I may have caught carnie from one of them as two of them have lived in
Southampton and the other two are ginger.

Last night The Boy and I went to see Devendra Banhart at the Concorde 2. He was
ace. He had a band of long haired throwback dudes on his team and at first I thought
we had ended up at Womad as it got a little world music on our ass, but the man is
amazing he sings like an old school 20's badass and looks like a psychadelic King of
the Jews.
I am not a reviewer so that is all I will say about him, however when we left I felt
I had seen one of the best gigs eversies so I thought about my top five performers.
I decided to make a list of my top five and the sweating involved in this task has
no doubt speeded up the carnie process today.
Here we go anyway.
In strict best order I decided on the following five - based on joy and effort.
1)PATTI.
This was the obvious and only choice for pole position. Best ever best ever bestsies.
Intimate gigs at Charleston House, pulling guitar strings off her guitar until her
fingers bleed at The Concorde, good wise cracks, no shit from fans, excellent dancing,
stories about dentists, complete sincerity and joyfulness at all times.
2)ADAM GREEN.
Brilliant dancing, rude songs, crooners voice,dressing up abilities, jokes a plenty,
animal noises,saucy.Mega.
3)DEVENDRA BANHART.
Ghostly looking silent movie star, King of the Jews face and skinny lanky spiders body.
Theatrical facial expressions, most beautiful voice, generous entertainer, rubbish private
jokes perfectly executed to include,new favourite.
4)NICK CAVE.
Fine tailoring,excellent pointing,suave and dashing in a pug faced down under way,kicks,
punches,fantastic songs with mega welly, a bit out of hand. Superb.
5)ANTONY.
Darling.Handbag on stage,heart wrenching, wig wearing, gaylord of complete and utter
beauty, a joy to behold.

That's that then. If anyone fancies telling me their top five, I might be delighted, or not care.
I'll see how I feel if it happens.

Right got to dash, have to have my tea now-Strawberry and kiwi 20/20, 4 cans of
special brew and a bag of candy floss.
Fight????

About 5 minutes of solitude

2005-08-09T04:02:00.000+01:00

Burch is not feeling very well. His legs are pissed and he's sitting on
the couch of dreams reading. This is not normal.
Initially he came in from a hard days work, slipped into his pyjamas
(pictured above) and curled up in The Cloud - the best bed eversies.
For a few minutes, approximately five, I thought I would be alone.
Many thoughts went through my bonce - what can I do? The washing-up,
make a cup of tea, draw a picture of a bird, make some food, write a post
on this here blog,look at rude bits on t'internet etc. There were no limits.
Shall we say that the world was my Oyster?Yes lets.
Then he got bored.
I had achieved only the tea and washing-up when he decided enough
was enough he had to get up. Now you may think that this ruined my
Oyster evening. Not so Kids.
I know being on your own can rock the hut sometimes, but it's Monday
and I've been down pit all day with some of the most boring and
unstimulating conversation ever thrown at me, I did get a picture
of a light switch with David Hasselhoff's face on it though and that was
good. But mostly today I guess was "Thin" (new best word for crud, rubbish,
shit, poowillynut etc).
So if Burch is on the couch, I guess I can make him play pat-a-cake, look at
September Vogue with me, give me some constructive criticism of my bird
drawings - which are nearly as good as a sparrows poo on a wet bit of cardboard
in Leatherhead - and just spend some "quals time togethersies". No fighting
for attention with the computer tonight.
Lets all raise our hands to the sky and say thanks for the occasional cold, which
duth blow through the Burch's leaves and scatter a residue of togetherness behind.
Huzzah.

Get a lot of chilli Lezzers

2005-08-06T04:05:00.000+01:00

Who's the winner?
Last night we were blessed by the presence of the wonderful Boggers and
Swaph.We ate loads of Chilli and drunk a wee bit of wine - not wee flavoured
but a little amount. Boggers brought with him the all important quiz - which
would have even Stephen Hawkin dripping with sweat due to it's mega stressful
difficulty.Questions included "A child born in Weston Super Mare of Saudi parentage
would have what name?" - there was no correct answer so we all got our thinking
Yashmaghs on and came up with the following :
1)Tim Westwood Saudi Hair
2)Sharon El-Hilal Aehmedi
3)Ben or Helen - depending on the gender
and the winner
4)Ehaab a al riddah ehaab ach ach ach a al humana Smith-Gordon.
After a tense 17 minutes or so a winner was declared - guess who that bad ass was!
Brilliant!
So a mega time was had by all - we also watched some footage of a young American
lady make stuff out of paper cups really really really really really fast. She was really
really really really fast. Not as fast as me though, obviously.
Bet you're thinking - "Gosh, that sounds like probably the best night ever, I wish I could
do that, I'm so jealousies..."
Don't pretend you're not - losers!

Life - accordion to Ridder! (Best pun ever?)

2005-08-04T17:51:00.000+01:00

Hello. This here beast of a machine is the new toy in our house.
He is a baby accordion and we like him a lot, however he is really annoying
and makes a rubbish noise when I play him - this is no reflection on
my musical abilities.
I need to point out a few things about the above photo, lets begin in the
top left corner. Do you see the painting that looks like a tumour
attatched to some green stuff? This was Burch's Christmas present
from Himyarl it is brill. The same Christmas I was lucky enough to
receive a painting myself from Himyarl - a surrealist piece depicting
a big orange R being stabbed by a rough coloured knife with eggs
all around the side. It still takes my breath away now, and for hours I can
get lost thinking about the possibilities of this work of art.Amazing!
Next let me take you down, down to those exy skill tennis ball shoes.
Need I say anything, I think the joy will penetrate through the monitors into
your various houses and I can be silent about the wonder of them.
Yes I feel that.
This is the bit where I admit that this entry is solely built around
a really shit pun and has nothing whatsoever redeeming or interesting
about it but that's what I did. I won't lie, but I've written it now so if you
are disappointed in any way or think I'm rubbish or anything - yes if
you think anything then keep it to yourself. Alright?
I'll be back when I've done something.
As mums say if you can't say anything nice - don't say anything at allsies...
Or Ronan Keating says "You say it best when you say nothing at allsies..."
He never says anything good though - stupid little gravel voiced wincing
leather trousered blonde Aryan master race shit bag.

Bodovitch Van Winkle

2005-07-31T19:05:00.000+01:00

Today is Bodovitch Van Winkle's(wife of Lodovitch Van Winkle) birthday.
She is a quarter plus one I believe. 26% of life years old. She had a birthday
party which I attended last night. Bod and her group of scallywags otherwise known
as The Mekano Set were kind enough to perform some songs for us at this party,
this is where it gets good...
Bod is one of my best on stage and here are the reasons why:
1)Last night she was wearing a T-shirt which Himyarl thought had
T.V's Ian Macaskill on it.
2)Bod chucks it all over the place and says swear words, but then off stage
looks like a good healthy Christian girl who owns an animal
sanctuary and fights for a safe and joyful world.
3)Bod ends her set by slipping from 'Dirty Hand Job' into mega wammy crucial
'Horses' by Patti.
Now I must discuss the effect this transition made to me. I was sitting comfortably
watching the Kids have a groovy time on the stage, Bod was chucking it, Martin was
screaming along every now and again and really enjoying himself and Patrick was quietly
rocking it at the back when I heard 'but the movie kept moving as planned...'
MY FACE WENT RED. I HAD TO SHOUT. FEAR OF WEEING DOWN MY LEG TOOK OVER.
MY HANDS TOOK CONTROL OF THEIR OWN DESTINY AND SLAPPED TOGETHER.
MY MOUTH OPENED AT VARIOUS INTERVALS AND NOISES LIKE 'WOO' SLIPPED
OUT.I GOT EXCITED.
Yowser! What a way to end the set, especailly when you've chucked yourself on the
floor and messed around with distortion pedals and the like and made a racket.
Well done Kids. A good night had by all.
Happy Birthday - a round of blue sanitary towel display of absorbency cocktails all round!

Friends? Hmmmmmmnnnnnnnn.....sies!

2005-07-28T04:10:00.000+01:00

Alas a friend is lost.
Thank-you Zod for your honest comment about the current sport issue.
It seems that Zod and I are no longer friends, therefore today's entry shall
talk about my memories of Zod and conclude with a competition to win Zod's
place as my new friend. I hope this is acceptable to everyone.
Right, let's get started then...
Zod and I first met through work. We did not get on due to the fact that she worked
and I didn't, these emotions of distaste were heightened by a jealousy of posh lip balm
on my part and an anger at my intense popularity in the workplace on Zod's part.
One wintery day we were thrown together as if by chance and ordered to be in an all
girl doo wop group, with Zod's pouting talent and my pointing and swearing abilities
a monster was born. That day changed the course of history - imagine the power of a
page three girl with Sean Ryders manners mixed with Posh Spice directing traffic and
you can imagine the intensity.Yowser!
We moved in to an exclusive seaside apartment together shortly after and commensed
on a rock 'n' roll lifestyle that Michelle Mcmanus would have trouble keeping up with.
We made regular trips to our 'dealer' at the time, lets call him 'Budgens'. He supplied us
with things such as 'Crunchie nuggets', 'Revels', 'Snakebite and black' and extreme
amounts of 'meat'. This hedonistic lifestyle took it's toll on our bodies. We both suffered
from extreme weight gain, massiveredfacealitis, sweat syndrome, laziness and in time
contracted tracksuitbottom disease. We were not well. The parties were flowing, I had to
be escorted home from the city's top nightspot 'Poowillynut' at 10.30pm after soultraining
my way through the kitchen, being sick and sitting alone in pigeon poo outside the premises.
Zod did not even make it to the club, having passed out and woken up naked in my bed
with no recollection of the evening whatsoever. This had to stop.
I moved out. Zod moved on.
We both went through rehabilitation involving fruit and vegetable
consumption and work.
In time we healed and our friendship grew stronger, we took it on tour around the
U.K. We stopped off in Leeds and met a magicain called Wee magic Al, went to Whitby
and nearly died on a boat trip in a storm, ate too much meat and were constipated
outside of Middlesbrough, overdosed on vegetables in Wales and came home
like old souls.
We have shared important events in each others lives, had a small orange son
together and remained entwined for many years now and I shall be sad that
she has turned her back on me.
But that's life, who wants to be my new friend?
If you can answer yes to at least two of these questions let me know and I'll
consider letting you come to my house, phone me, lend me loads of
money and give me presents and make me feel special.
1) Will you come to my house?
2) Will you always phone me?
3) Will you lend me money?
4) Will you give me presents?
5) Will you make me feel special?
This competition is only open to Zod. Can I have you back please?
Thanks. Thanks a lot, Thanks very much, Thank-you, Thanks.

Fin.

Lod

2005-07-25T01:40:00.000+01:00

In my world, I give recognition to those
who excel and deserve praise. As it is a
Sunday, I feel now is a good time to reflect
on the good deeds of others in my community
over the last week. I want to talk to you all
about Lod. Some of you may know this
chipper young lad as Lewis Shaw.

See him above?
See what a Gent he is? See how he rocks in his chair,
see how he risks joggers nipple in his braces. These are signs of a good man,
a man who when called upon, responds. This week kids, Lod became the first
person to reply to any of my messages on this blog, and most importantly
he confirmed my thoughts. SPORT IS RUBBISH.
My dearest and sincerest thanks go out to Lod this week for making me realise
that we are all in this together. We must be vigilent and strong about sport.
The people that practise sport are trying to scare us in to giving up our dearly
held way of life but Lod and I stand shoulder to shoulder and say "We can get
through this". Actually neither of us have said that but I think if there was a press
conference we would probably say that, along with some really funny jokes and
anecdotes. So thanks Lod.

For more information about Lod - send an SAE to him.

Going to go now I'm making bread.

Cyp'r'us

2005-07-22T07:28:00.000+01:00

Yowser! Been very lazy on all fronts recently. I've been in Cyp with the girls. Lots of walking and seeing stuff which resulted in overly sweaty ruddy faces and spam trotters!I've got quite a lot to say about my holiday so the easiest and most effective way to get the information across I believe is to categorise the holiday into good and bad with easy to understand pictures and bullet points.

GOOD

1) Lilo's
2) Swimming pool olympics - including 100m and hurdles
3) Donkeys
4) Tzatziki
5) Baywatch - a cocktail bar and also a style of swimwear worn by all with sunburn
which when leaving the pool gives a very pronounced pair of breasts in a long
sleeved cotton T-shirt
6) Bat and ball - a game which wife excelled in as a solo artist and was as
competitive as Linford Christie at singles
7) Space Wagons - the (kn)it girls choice of vehicle. Get your seatbelt on, drive
very safely and beep at boys on scooters - it's this seasons must have accessory
8) Boat trips - a chance to drink horrible wine, be sick if you're Sophie Bacon and
sing Rod Stewart songs with Albanians called Victor and Germans with Speedos and
breasticles
9) Did I mention Lilo's?
10) People that "know" everything - Helly

BAD

1) Cockroaches on your plate
2) Cheese that echoes the sound and texture of wet flip flops
3) Secret sunburn - come on a problem shared is a problem divided by six!
4) Pregnant cats with poo bum in your restaurant
5) Space Wagons - so beginning of July
6) Cry eyes - walking around with a hanky stuck to your face for two days and dried
eye secretion caked on your face
7) Secret Bullemia disguised as a cough - a problem shared...

I think that covers a variety of issues we were exposed to by Cyp. Obviously there are more but I can't think of them right now.

On non-Cyp subjects I have been having loads of fun on my bicycle. It's ace. I ride what I think is mega fast and then get overtaken by "sporty" women on my way to work. This is an issue for me as I don't really understand sport, in fact sport makes me really angry, I feel like I'm getting an ulcer when I talk about it. It's rubbish.

REASONS WHY SPORT IS RUBBISH

1) It's rubbish
2) Healthy living, feelgood activities involving lycra or bright outfits are rubbish
3) Taking the moving of your body seriously and making noises at the same time is
rubbish
4) Looking like a man, getting muscles, drinking powdered energy shakes and
appearing on the cover of "Flex" magazine is rubbish
5) It makes me angry, it's rubbish
6) It's really rubbish!

I have to go and be sick (on the floor) because I'm so angry. I'll see you later.
P.S sport is crud and rubbish and needs a refund.

osses

2005-06-27T21:21:00.000+01:00

Yowzer! I've had a fabbo few days. On Friday night Burchill,Himyarl and myself joyfully saw the magical Antony and his Johnsons conquer the Queen Elizabeth Hall as part of Patti's meltdown. The man is not real. He can't be. I don't even know how to express myself. Amazing.
Then Saturday The Burch and I returned to the South Bank, this time to Festival Hall to be blessed by the presence of the one and only (not Chesney Hawkes)but Patti Smith. Oh the joy!30 years of Horses. I could spend ages explaining in detail what it was like and how brilliant she was and how Flea played beautiful trumpet but if anyone really cared they would have been there to see it themselves. There were even disableds there so no excuses people please. I was so excited I even bought a T-shirt.
Today I had the pleasure of a marathon three hour Sopranos quiz with Sophie Bacon, she wiped the floor with me as I expected she would.
Even though I have thoroughly enjoyed myself for the past few days I seem to be incapable of writing anything of an acceptable standard or expressing myself in an entertaining or fluid style.I have just managed to really wind myself up with what I am writing and feel really crud about myself.I shall go and punch myself in the face and headbutt the wall like an early nineties Romanian baby. How ashamed I am. Therefore I shall stop this entry NOW.

skids

2005-06-24T02:51:00.000+01:00

Guess what, guess what, guess what... (cue me punching you in the arm and prodding you loads). Today I bought a most fine and handsome, once shiny red bicycle. It is fab! I shall be sporting it along the promenade this season, riding really fast and doing skids. If I see someone I know, I shall burn them up.
Look out for me I'm a Raleigh Bandit.

beachy leg

2005-06-19T14:42:00.000+01:00

Burch and I rocked the beach today. We rocked it hard! I

made an ant in the sand and we paddled our tootsies in the

sea. It was hot to trot. Then we went to Tesco. THE END!!!!!!

Why would anyone read this? No-one is.

boggers

2005-06-15T20:44:00.000+01:00

poo willy nut

2005-06-15T05:40:00.000+01:00

Many thanks to Boggers for his beautiful drawing of the infamous 'Poowillynut' - a funhouse only surpassed by that of Pat Sharpe. I will post the picture tomorrow as I am not sure that the world is ready for such honest and unabashed art today - he is truly a master. Many thanks also to Swaff for the joy experienced today with Prince's classic song 'Partyman' from the soundtrack to 'Batman' featuring Michael 'Multiplicity' Keaton. You are radiant people...

I thought you might like these pictures of Prince and Michael Keaton! I didn't do them, someone called Ed on t'internet did. Probs why they are crud hmmmmnnnnnnn?

Love from Ridder

whoosh

2005-06-10T21:58:00.000+01:00

I am she, Ridder.

This is my first blog entry ever, I am so excited

I might do a little wee down my leg.

The End.

more piacamatures

2005-06-08T18:40:00.000+01:00

hello, some more picatures for you, ridder and 2 triangles dog:

this is in granada:

this is our weird hotel:

insane road:

piccies from spain

2005-06-08T18:24:00.000+01:00

(that's granada)

this is mojaca where we did go swimming:

this is ridder in a lilo:

hello kids

2005-05-28T10:52:00.000+01:00

yep it's lilo love here